Forgiveness Ain't For Sissies

Just the other day, three days ago, to be exact... My one and only son posted some hurtful and untruthful things about me on his Facebook page. And I realize our relationship hasn't always been stellar, a lot of it due to my own immaturity. Getting pregnant at 14 and having a son at 15 didn't come with an instruction manual or a magic wand that granted instant motherly know-how.

In fact, partly out of fear, respect and some apathy, I left the majority of the rearing of my son's younger years to my aunt and uncle. By the way, these are the same people who raised me. My aunt and my uncle were very protective of my son, overprotective. I couldn't take him to a park, or friend's house, without them calling every hour or so to see if he was okay. It's like they didn't trust me to take care of my own son. I guess I let their distrust make me question my own abilities.

At the very least, their intrusiveness provided an all too convenient excuse to shirk my parental responsibilities, as such as they were at the tender age of 15. I had no job, no home of my own. I was at the mercy of their demands because I was living under their roof. I wasn't free to learn to be a good parent because I didn't have a voice or room to grow. I didn't get a chance to make mistakes or learn from those mistakes. I was treated like a kid (because I was a kid). I wasn't given a chance to grow/mature into motherhood (because the mothering came standard for me and my son in that household).

Okay, so up to the present. On Friday, my son writes something to the effect of "You know if I ask Mah Dukes for help, it's gotta be because I need it. I go to her and ask her to do something that is going to help my life and she says go figure it out. I'm not like her. I'm not one of those people who can figure EVERYTHING out. She tells me to go ask someone else. Well, guess what, I always do. Thanks for nothing mah dukes."

Where to start? Where to start? First, the "mah dukes" title? Seriously?! I rushed off my job not less than 7 days before when you got in a car accident. I beat the ambulance there and I came from Dublin, OH. I won't even mention how far over the speed limit I was. I was the first person you called when that happened asking me what to do. When you were sitting out on the porch crying after the accident, who stopped and gave you the pep talk and reassurance that everything would be okay? Not only that, who put a card of encouragement in the mail the very next day letting you know I was here for you?

On the day of this FB posting, you call me. Say you're about to come down and cut my grass. Ask if you can come in to use the computer. I say yes. Then I give it some thought. I call you back and let you know I'm going to leave the door open for you because I'm in bed and don't feel well. You say okay. You come down. I hear you come in. You holler up the stairs, how do I turn on MS Word? I say, it's on the start menu. I tell you far left corner, click on the round button and it will show up. (Did I mention I'm sick in bed?). I get tired of yelling so I tell you to bring up the computer. (Sick in bed, no clothes on, NyQuil infused, alternating chills and sweating spells.) I say hand me the computer. Low and behold, guess where MS Word is, right where I said it would be on the start menu. I hand the computer back. Now you ask me, how do I type a resume. I reach for the computer again. Pull up resume templates and hand it back. You say, there are too many here and I don't know which one to pick. I ask you what kind of job you looking for? You say you don't know. A sister of a friend says they are hiring at Chase bank. Okay, my best guess says that would be customer service. I pull up a customer service resume. It's pre-populated. All you have to do is change the name and edit the bullet points, history, education, etc. to make it your own. You say, I don't know what some of these words mean under accomplishments, like implementation, productivity, etc. (Mind you, I'm still sick in bed). I explain the words. You're still frustrated because you're not getting it. I say just print off this resume. Take it home and write out what you want yours to say. Just use this format, this look, and think of accomplishments you've made on you job. How did you help to increase sales, or bring in more customers, or help develop fellow employees? You're still "confused." I say ask someone to help you. I think, not so much confused, you just want me to do it for you like I always do. But I'm sick!!!

Next day, I get up and read your nasty post. Okay, so yes. My response probably wasn't very nice, but I felt it needed to be said. I responded, "You forgot to mention mah dukes was in the bed sick and half sleep. The world can't always operate on your time schedule. While you asking everybody else, ask them to pay your cell phone bill." .....Considering you four months behind on paying your cell phone bill since I put on my plan so you could save $70 over your previous carrier. Oh, and for that previous carrier, I put the account in my name cause you asked me to that you didn't pay on so it went on my credit report. I didn't write in all that. I'm just venting here.

So later that day, he must have read my response or thought the better of it because he took the post and my reply down. No apology whatsoever mind you.

Then yesterday, he sends me a text message. It reads, "Do you think you'll have time to help me with my resume. My boss just told me the big boss is cutting employees because of bad business. I have two weeks. Please."

I pray and respond, "Sorry to hear you're being let go. Been there. Write what you want it to say. I'll type it up. BTW, wasn't cool or true what you put on FB. That hurt."

Do you think I've yet to receive so much as an apology? Ummm, Nope!

I know this must be a ministry opportunity because my flesh is screaming, "You are the most ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled, immature, selfish, self-centered, only out for yourself, it's all about you person I'ver ever known." And I soooooo want to voice those sentiments as opposed to only thinking and feeling them.

But instead, my spirit man sends a quiet text today that says, "What time are you trynna work on your resume?"

I hope that God gives me swift and clear discernment on when it's time to invoke tough love. I have a servant's heart and I'm always trying to help someone who needs help. My son or otherwise. I know there will come a day when I will have to step aside and let go and let God do all the helping there is to be done.

Saints, pray my strength in the Lord.