The Love Lesson

This is a really a difficult and pressing time in my life... I am in the middle of a less than friendly divorce. And I have found myself shrinking back from life in general. The usual suspects, as far as historical precedence on how I deal with difficulties, has been one of three things - 1) prayer, 2) sleep and 3) excessive amounts of alcohol. Today, I find myself in a place that feels like I'm all prayed out. You ever been there? I've been reduced to three paltry words - "Jesus, help me." And sometimes, it's takes all the mental wherewithal I have just to utter even that little bit a phrase. More and more, I've just been wanting to stay curled up in a ball in my oversized, fluffy, California King platform bed and sleep my life away. Like one miraculous day, I'll wait up and have slept through all the heartache and pain. Funny thing is, my sleep endeavor is less than fruitful. There is no actual rest to be had. It's extremely fitful and fleeting. I wait up several times in the middle of the night, only to be bombarded by unrelenting thoughts that leave me sad and wistful. Prior to my marital issues, I was very active in my local church, in ministry which I absolutely love. When the marriage started to tank, I took a step back from ministry to focus on my household. Unfortunately, things continued to go downhill. Because of this downward spiral, I was in pain and I acted in ways that were less than ministerial. I fussed, I cussed, I even drank at times. I fought to try to hold on to a marriage with a person that obviously didn't want to be held on to. I didn't want to lose my marriage, or at least my ideal of marriage. The truth is, the marriage was lost a long time ago. I was merely holding on to the ideal. The fantasy of what it could be, without wanting to acknowledge what mine actually was. In reality, it was simply "a hot mess." My state of mind affected my church attendance/participation. I didn't really stop going to church. I would watch live online or I would go, but sit in the nearly empty overflow. I didn't want all those people who'd seen me coming to services with my husband to look at me and think, "Awww, look at that poor girl. They must not be together anymore." Nor did I want all those people who genuinely cared to be hugging all on me, feeling sad for me. I didn't want people to look at me and know that I, my marriage, had failed. So, I admit, there was a bit of selfish pride there to contend with. Last Sunday, I finally said - to heck with it. People are going to say and think what they want to say and think. It is what it is. The marriage is over and there is no way in this world we are ever getting back together. I just have to go in here and deal with whatever comes. Funny thing here is, God met me right there. Pastor spoke words that ministered directly to me and where I was at the moment in time. I been through a lot, but I'm still here. It's been rough, but I'm still here. What was meant to destroy me, didn't destroy me. I'm still standing. What started out as sadness turned into rejoicing. Collectively, everyone in that sanctuary, let go of the pain and started rejoicing. Eventually, the song came forth that says "Thank you Lord for all you've done for me." Realizing, that I could be homeless, hungry, unclothed, whatever. Though, my situation seems disparaging, I still have so much to be thankful for. In addition, I was also met with hugs and prayers from women of God that loved on me and poured into my spirit. They didn't know that I'd been in the overflow or watching online. One woman said, you've been on my mind and I been wondering about you. She hugged me and wouldn't let go. Another woman, I'll be honest, our spirits don't even really gel all like that, found me outside in the hallway and just hugged me and began praying for me. I realized after that service that I spent far too much time trying to hide my pain. That I needed to come out of hiding in order to allow the love to find its way into my life and my heart. One day, I fully anticipate that God will bring the man He desires for me into my life. What I have to do is come out of hiding, literally and figuratively, in order for him to orchestrate all the pieces and moving parts. The only love I'm actively seeking after is God's love. God found me when I needed Him the most. He knows how to find me to bring the love I need. So, the love lesson is simple - Stop hiding and allow love to find you.