Messy Ex's...

I had the occasion to cross paths with an ex over the 4th of July weekend at the home of a mutual friend. What began as a joyous occasion turned into something much less joyous. In fact, it began to tip the scales quite heavily in favor of tragedy. At first, I was really excited to see him because he looked good! I'd seen him in years past and that wasn't always the case.

During those years in between, hard living - drugs and alcohol had obviously taken their toll on him. He looked old and frail, not anything like the vibrant, strong and healthy man I had come to love and adore in my younger years. That man I came to adore would make his pecs jump at will to my sheer delight and bench press 275 lbs barely breaking a sweat. That man would carry me for blocks on end as we enjoyed evening strolls around our 'hood. My heart and soul mourned for him and my beloved memories of him. Those memories were now tainted and distorted by the shallow, pale image of life that stood before me.

At the cookout, we spoke, reminisced, and shared a lot of laughter. We greeted each other with warmth and affection. Our brief reunion made me recall the love we once had and the love that will always remain between us. I was excited for him, to see him doing so well.

However, the evening waned on and the vestiges of the person I had mourned started to emerge. He continued to drink to the point of drunkenness. He began to look at me through eyes of drunken lust (even though he knew I was married) where hours earlier, I'd been the object of his respect and admiration. At every clandestine opportunity, he employed his favorite tactic of revisiting the issues that came between us in the past and tried to once again play the guilt card on me, to which I'd been quite susceptible to in the past.

My excitement at our reunion slowly slipped into regret. sorrow, and pain. At nearly 40, the one-time love of my life is basically a drifter. He's gone from Ohio, Georgia, and back to another city in Ohio all within the last 7 months. He's unemployed, no car, no job, an alcoholic and father of six kids with four different women.

I remember when we split up. I'd found him in bed with another woman at his home. At the time, I was completely devastated. I could not see a future for me without him in it. My heart ached and pined for this man for 17 long years after that encounter. It was only at age 31 after we'd gotten back together, began planning a wedding, and he became MIA without warning, that I decided enough was enough. I made my heart decide to let go.

Seeing him at that cookout made me realize that real love doesn't always die. It can and will live on. But I thank God for changing that love into care and concern for another human being. For giving me a heart of prayer on behalf of this individual.

Seeing him also made me realize how our efforts to hold on to something/someone are mere exercises in futility when that thing/person is not part of God's plan for our lives. When I look back on the many years I spent being bitter, depressed, and sad, I regard that period of my life as 17 years of unnecessary waste. Now, having the benefit of hindsight, I should have spent that time being better, uplifted, and happy.

I could have actually found myself married to that guy who showed up at the cookout. My destiny would have been irrevocably tied to his through the bonds of holy matrimony. Had that been the case, I would been living with his demons and waging constant spiritual warfare throughout all those years. Talk about being tired!

During the breakup of that relationship, I didn't understand God's plan. I wanted THAT man. I loved THAT man. But God had a different plan. He's since blessed me with that special man He created especially for me. He's blessed me by giving me a husband who is in love with me, one who cares for me and my well-being. We don't always see eye to eye. It's not always peaches and cream. Sometimes, we have to resolve to agree to disagree. But our love is real and his heart is true. So, thank God for the husband God picked for me and not the one I would have picked out for myself!

I have a new appreciation for that old adage, "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it." If I ever happen to see the woman I found him in bed with, I am going to give her a huge hug and a sincere "Thank you." That breakup was meant to take my life because I was hurt, depressed and suicidal. Now, because of that breakup, I can appreciate the husband and marriage that bless me daily and the God that brought me through it all.